Erika
Joyful. Excited. Brave
4 months postpartum
What was the hardest thing you endured during pregnancy or delivery? Pushing, which was both mentally and physically draining. My body wasn’t ready and I knew it, but I had been laboring for what felt like forever and desperately wanted it all to be over. I pushed for hours, seemingly without progress, and lost all confidence in my ability to birth my baby. Luckily, I had a team of people who weren’t going to let me give up. It's also worth noting that I had a hard time letting go of how I imagined my birth experience would go and embracing the one I was living. I tried not to get too attached to my birth plan, but it's disheartening when your preferences are no longer options. Educate yourself so you feel prepared to make an informed decision on the spot. The last thing you want is to be pressured into something mid-labor and regret it after
What do you wish you knew before delivery but didn't? How to push. Maybe it would have been different had my body gotten to that point on it’s own and indicated an urge to do so, but I felt so overwhelmed trying to figure out how to push “correctly” without straining every inch of my body. Also - that being induced doesn't guarantee a baby within 24 hours.
What was something that gave you confidence or hope during the hard times? During labor, I repeated over and over in my head (and to baby), “we are brave, we are strong, we are capable”. I stayed grounded in the idea that baby and I were working together and that the pain was temporary. In these first few months postpartum, getting out of the house for fresh air and sunshine or taking a few minutes for myself made a world of a difference when I felt like I was drowning.
What is a new strength (other than just moms being super human) that you found in yourself since becoming a mom? Functioning on less sleep. Somehow getting everything and nothing done all at once.
How are you? What a heavy question. My first reaction? I’m okay. But when I sit with it: I’m exhausted, overwhelmed, resentful of my partner and the unfair load I bear, and still partially grieving “life before”. I’m also completely in love with this new little human, whose smile makes it all worth it.
How are you now compared to 1 week postpartum? The initial fog has worn off, hormones have stabilized, the frequent visitors have stopped, and we’ve settled into our new normal. As nice as that is, it leaves room for reality to hit hard. I wouldn’t say I’m any better or worse, just at a different place.
